You can't even keep one little, bitty tear from falling down...
I'm terrified right now.I'm totally not even joking.
My body is screaming 'NO NO NO NO NO NO THIS ISN'T HAPPENING AGAIN $#!* THIS IS SO BAD'. Literally. I can feel my heart in my throat, and I'm forcing back tears because my father is circling the house randomly, probably from stress and anxiety.
So basically, my grandfather is in the hospital. But, he has been for about a week, for nothing serious, just a bad bladder infection and some sort of minor kidney problem. It was all totally cool, he was fine, I was fine, and not freaking out.
My Mom calls today and says she's going to see him with my grandmother and my aunt, and tells me he's "not doing too well'. until today, I've never thought the feeling of your breath catching in your throat was real. Now i know, and it's scaring the living CRAP out of me.
They're doing a ton of scans and whatnot, since he has internal bleeding [again, this ISN'T good], and his pacemaker is acting up.
She's still at the hospital. has been for like, three hours already. could be there all night. So I'm stuck [that sounds so negative, but if you knew my relationship with my dad, you'd understand why it kind of sucks, and potentially scares me, to be with him alone in the house] here with my dad till she gets home.
A very similar thing happened nearly at the same time last year, maybe a little earlier. And I feel exactly the same. I remember that day PERFECTLY, and I'm hoping this week wont end up the same.
I say that now, but who knows what will happen, and when i'll crack.
It's really hard, staying strong, because if I crack, everyone else will. It's happened before, and it was the worst day of my life.
I dont know what to do anymore. I need someone, something, but I dont know who, or what it is.
I dont want someone to tell me it's okay, because it's not. I dont want someone to tell me it's fine, because it's not. I dont want someone to tell me to be strong, because I can't. I dont want someone to tell me it'll get better because i dont know if it will. I just want someone to be there to catch me when this all blows up. because I have this feeling that it will.
And now my dad's back from the supermarket, and I'm crying.
I'd kill for a hug right now.
posted by Zoe @ 5:49 PM
2 Comments:
Zoe, if it was possible at all for me to hug you, I really would.
I love you. If you need someone to vent to, I'm here. Always.
<333333333333333333333
talk to me.
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