You can't even keep one little, bitty tear from falling down...
I'm terrified right now.
I'm totally not even joking.
My body is screaming 'NO NO NO NO NO NO THIS ISN'T HAPPENING AGAIN $#!* THIS IS SO BAD'. Literally. I can feel my heart in my throat, and I'm forcing back tears because my father is circling the house randomly, probably from stress and anxiety.
So basically, my grandfather is in the hospital. But, he has been for about a week, for nothing serious, just a bad bladder infection and some sort of minor kidney problem. It was all totally cool, he was fine, I was fine, and not freaking out.
My Mom calls today and says she's going to see him with my grandmother and my aunt, and tells me he's "not doing too well'. until today, I've never thought the feeling of your breath catching in your throat was real. Now i know, and it's scaring the living CRAP out of me.
They're doing a ton of scans and whatnot, since he has internal bleeding [again, this ISN'T good], and his pacemaker is acting up.
She's still at the hospital. has been for like, three hours already. could be there all night. So I'm stuck [that sounds so negative, but if you knew my relationship with my dad, you'd understand why it kind of sucks, and potentially scares me, to be with him alone in the house] here with my dad till she gets home.
A very similar thing happened nearly at the same time last year, maybe a little earlier. And I feel exactly the same. I remember that day PERFECTLY, and I'm hoping this week wont end up the same.
I say that now, but who knows what will happen, and when i'll crack.
It's really hard, staying strong, because if I crack, everyone else will. It's happened before, and it was the worst day of my life.
I dont know what to do anymore. I need someone, something, but I dont know who, or what it is.
I dont want someone to tell me it's okay, because it's not. I dont want someone to tell me it's fine, because it's not. I dont want someone to tell me to be strong, because I can't. I dont want someone to tell me it'll get better because i dont know if it will. I just want someone to be there to catch me when this all blows up. because I have this feeling that it will.
And now my dad's back from the supermarket, and I'm crying.
I'd kill for a hug right now.
Be, be good to me...
Just random stuff I wanted to get out, since it's been way too long since I blogged.
Jason Mraz is coming here on August 12th [insert overly-happy face here]. But it's over 18's only [insert very angry, potentially-about-to-curse face here].
Um. Hello. YOU FREAKING SUCK HARDCORE.
Man, I hate when that happens. Fall Out Boy were the same. Jeez, I hate ticketmaster.
But hey, whatever. Crap happens.
Love Bug and Be Be Good are fantastalistic [wow, been a long time since I used that word...]. Like, no joke. Although, the fact that I may NEVER see them live disappoints me when I see videos of their new stuff. Since when does Joe TAPDANCE?! God.
Across the Universe is AMAZING. The music, Jim Sturgess, everything. I've just become obsessed with the Beatles :] Hey Jude and Strawberry Fields pone.
Is it me, or is Nicholas Jerry becoming more amazing every day I see him? Because, honestly, he's doing something to make me fall. Hard. Which is freaking me out a little bit, for some reason.
Since my vacation was AMAZING, I'll post pictures of it tomorrow.
[I'm stealing Heather's idea and posting pictures at the end of my posts now :)]
Insert scream, giggle and massive grin here.Labels: Take a sad song and make it better.
Time to say goodbye.
School. Can. Die.
Goodbye sanity. Goodbye patience. Goodbye intelligence. Goodbye grades. Goodbye LIFE.
I'm so over this already.
And it's just begun.
No one reads these anyway, I dont know why I bother.
I'm sorry I cant be perfect.
AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
OAKDKGJAKJDLAOGJALAKLKDL:KGLJHJSIHHJ.
OH MY GOD. I swear. I hate my friends right now. For a few reasons.
1. They think it's FUNNY to book me in the middle of the hallway on the way to class, then trip me when I get back up. This is why I have so many random bruises on my legs, and dont wear skirts, IDIOT. And what happens when I tell them to stop? 'Zoe, what the hell are you yelling for? it was a JOKE! jeez, anger management!' I can only handle so much, little miss plastic Barbie.
2. One of them is a total hypocrite slash biatch. She criticizes EVERY SINGLE PERSON that she sees, including me, EVERY SINGLE DAY, just from one look; 'Oh my god, what the hell is up with her hair?' 'Ew, she's so ugly!' 'Um, what's up with your face, today?' SHUT THE HELL UP, GET A BRAIN, GO GROW ABOUT HALF A METRE, AND WASH YOUR HAIR! Jesus. And she isnt the prettiest flower in the garden, either. She's more like the weed in the center. No offense.
3.They are seriously total airheads. They do NO work in class, and dump it all on me while they discuss how 'hott' Joe is. YES, I KNOW THIS PEOPLE. Oh. They also think Nick's a shortass [5'6 is me. and they call
ME TALL. Hence, the 'airhead' status], and Kevin's a fag. Um, get proof for the last comment, THEN talk to me about him, okay? Until then, SHUT UP. If you dont like him, DONT FREAKING SAY IT. Jesus christ.
And guess what happens if I talk to ONE person in class? They bitch about it, 'Zoe, do the work, jeez. you arent helping, you know!' THAT sends e over the edge. But I hold it in.
And this is why I explode.
It doesnt help that I have about FIVE MILLION THINGS to do this week, and am totally behind because my life is falling apart.
Friend stress plus school stress equals a total meltdown.
One of my DECENT friends told me I need to stand up to them and not let them boss me around, but honestly, if I did that, I'd get so much crap from them, and I DON'T need more drama. I know she's right, but I just don't know what to do. I almost started crying in the car on the way home from school today when my Mom asked me how my day was. Obviously, I smiled and told her it was fine, and she moved on. Like always.
but, I'm trying to keep my head up. I heard a line today that's kind of helping, so I guess I've just gotta stick it out and stay strong.
You can't have a rainbow without rain.
=/
I don't have a job
I never liked them
I just wanna play in the sunshine
They say I was wrong
But I know better
I live my life like I'm dying
Gimme a chance
I'll do my best to kick and scream and dance
When winter comes I'll turn around
Take me back to the sweet times
The hot nights
Everything is gonna be alright
In the summertime
Baby, in the summertime
And even if I have to wait til next year
I don't care
All I know is that I'll meet you there
In the summertime
Baby, in the summertime
That is where I'll be
I can't complain
'Cos I'm still breathing
There's nobody breathing down my neck now
Gimme a go
Like an open furnace setting fire to snow
When winter comes I'll ask the crowd
To take me back to the sweet times
The hot nights
Everything is gonna be alright
In the summertime
Baby, in the summertime
And even if I have to wait til next year
I don't care
All I know is that I'll meet you there
In the summertime
Baby, in the summertime
That is where I'll be
So let me run
I'll dream until my head weighs 16 tonnes
And when I wake sometime in June
I'll say
Take me back to the sweet times
The hot nights
Everything is gonna be alright
In the summertime
Baby, in the summertime
And even if I have to wait til next year
I don't care
All I know is that I'll meet you there
In the summertime
Baby, in the summertime
Take me back to the sweet times
The hot nights
Everything is gonna be alright
In the summertime
Baby, in the summertime
And even if I have to wait til next year
I don't care
All I know is that I'll meet you there
In the summertime
Baby, in the summertime
Baby, in the summertime
Baby, in the summertime
That is where I'll be.
Thanks, bye.
?
It's funny how one day can ruin a whole month.
How I can be having one of the best months ever, and it can be totally screwed up in less than five minutes.
How I don't realize how much I keep my feelings to myself until I explode.
How my parents don't realize that I CAN hear what they say, and that I keep thinking of the worst possible situation that can happen between them.
How my friends don't care at ALL how I feel, yet always want my help for EVERYTHING, and never say thank you.
How the ONLY thing keeping me sane is the fact that I get to see my best friend and Jonas in 3d in less than three weeks.
How I'm failing almost every class.
How I'm THIS close to giving up.
How I just realized that I kept all of this to myself for more that two months.
Give me back last summer.
Oh, hallelujah!
SOS WAS JUST PLAYED ON A MUSIC CHANNEL.
FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER.
OHMYGOD.
FINALLY.
IT WASNT DISNEY, EITHER!
Woooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
